Burnout Sanders and the Moon Machine

"Seat Safety Switch" (seat-safety-switch) 06/20/2016 at 11:42 • Filed to: burnout sanders, automatic burnout-performing android, piccadilly circus, moon buggy, boeing, gatorade-flavoured vape juice, west wing as shit

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Burnout Sanders, the automatic burnout-performing robot that campaigned and won the presidency, was busy trying to make the Presidential Seal golf cart leave some elevenses in the White House lawn with three-fifths of a horsepower while I dealt with Syria.

After the election, the pundit class roared. They claimed that a robot couldn’t be President, but it turns out after closer review of the constitution it didn’t officially forbid it either. We skated into the Oval Office, sweeping the Trump contingent’s payday loan stubs and Gatorade-flavoured vape juice containers strewn about the White House into the dumpster. The only real obstacle we ran into was the Secret Service: they refused to let ol’ Burnie ever drive a car ever again. Needless to say, after several hours of high-pitched existential wailing from the President-elect, they relented and our ratty Trans Am was stored on the White House lawn, its period-correct Radial T/As corded from constant burnouts.

Burnie got along with everybody. Here’s how it would work: you’d be sitting in your office, setting up some sort of deal with a lobbyist or whatever. Suddenly, a six foot tall gleaming polycarbonate-and-high-boron-steel robot bursts into the room, his amber eyes flickering with joy as he outstretches his hand to grasp yours. You’re gonna want to do whatever this guy wants you to do, and you’re gonna want to do it now. Through his tireless efforts, he unified a divided Congress and passed Roads For America, a wide-ranging Presidential project that would imbue every intersection with VHT traction compound, reducing commute times by up to 17% in major urban areas. The dude knew just how hard to push: it was West Wing as shit.

Even the foreign service loved him: I remember visiting England with him, and he told the motorcade driver to get out and let him take care of things. You ever seen a three point five ton armoured limousine light up a six minute long smokeshow outside Piccadilly Circus? Neither had the Brits, and they responded by assembling outside Parliament en masse, loudly demanding that their politicians be replaced by stunt-driving androids as well.

But all was not well. Like many great men, the robot that I built to do burnouts in a hogged-out old F-body had his heart set on a greater prize. I came across him late one night in the halls of the White House, staring out of the window at the moon, his eyes flickering gently as he processed data.

“You know there’s a car up there, right?”

He turned to me then, enraptured.

“Yeah, those NASA guys put up a car with a special kind of tires about sixty years ago. It probably still works.”

I didn’t think anything of it as I returned to my humble but lovely DC rowhouse. The next morning, I arose to see a CNN breaking news headline: not only had President Sanders singlehandedly whipped both Congress and the Senate into giving NASA an unlimited budget, but that he himself was going to be the first President in space. The talking heads were shocked: why would a burnout-performing robot want to go to the moon?

It’s been ten years since then. Even now, when I look up at the moon and see perfect clouds of moon dust, I think of the time we shared together and smile. You were too good for this Earth, flawless-burnout-performing robot.

luvMeSome142 & some Lincoln! > Seat Safety Switch 06/20/2016 at 11:50

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What the fuck, man.

Milky > Seat Safety Switch 06/20/2016 at 11:51

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#KeepOppoWeird

Slant6 > luvMeSome142 & some Lincoln! 06/20/2016 at 11:53

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you must be new here

TheD0k_2many toys 2little time > Seat Safety Switch 06/20/2016 at 11:53

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This is good OPPO

TheD0k_2many toys 2little time > luvMeSome142 & some Lincoln! 06/20/2016 at 11:53

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Welcome to oppo

vondon302 > Seat Safety Switch 06/20/2016 at 11:58

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This is great oppo!

Wheelerguy > Seat Safety Switch 06/20/2016 at 12:03

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I assume this is the Burnie that made the FIA great again, yeah? How did his tenure reshape motorsport and the pursuit of road-car performance?

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > Seat Safety Switch 06/20/2016 at 12:12

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This is best oppo.

sony1492 > Seat Safety Switch 06/20/2016 at 12:18

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Flyboy is FAA certified insane > Seat Safety Switch 06/20/2016 at 12:19

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Burnout Sanders isn’t just what America wants. He’s who America needs.

#Burnout2016

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Seat Safety Switch 06/20/2016 at 12:20

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I’m not quite sure they made the rover rechargeable. I think it was more of a single use thing.

Seat Safety Switch > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 06/20/2016 at 12:23

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He probably pulled the engine out of the old Roadmaster I once drove on the moon .

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Seat Safety Switch 06/20/2016 at 12:31

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A 454 in a car that was designed to fold and be as light as possible. Now that’s something I want to see.

Ash78, voting early and often > Seat Safety Switch 06/21/2016 at 13:18

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I’ve been on Jalopnik for over a decade and this is still the most What is This I Don’t Even series of posts to me.

Prophet of hoon > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 06/21/2016 at 13:23

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whoever was the driver of it (yeah, I didn’t pay attention in history, sue me) said that he figured if they took new batteries with them that the rover would likely work again. As it had batteries, and I hear there’s a thing called solar panels, I’m fairly sure they could do a quick recharge and tesla the hell out of the moon (all while whirring smugly).

damnthisburnershitsux > Seat Safety Switch 06/21/2016 at 13:23

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Bernout Sanders was about a different kind of burning out, cause he knows it’s better than fading away

Prophet of hoon > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 06/21/2016 at 13:24

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Ever seen a BBC in a Vega? same thing.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Ash78, voting early and often 06/21/2016 at 13:32

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It’s art. You don’t have to get it.

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > Seat Safety Switch 06/21/2016 at 13:34

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that was great :D

ill be voting for burnie when he gets back

Tokyosmash! > Prophet of hoon 06/21/2016 at 13:44

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The lunar rover wasn't made for long time service on the moon, apparently the lunar surface tore it up pretty well, the wheels in particular.

Ash78, voting early and often > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 06/21/2016 at 13:46

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Like Andres Serrano with a pen? (I keed, this is much better quality)

athought123 > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 06/21/2016 at 13:56

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1/6th the gravity of that on earth - so it shouldn’t weigh more than a can of tuna. right?

cazzyodo > Seat Safety Switch 06/21/2016 at 13:56

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Hai.

protodad > Ash78, voting early and often 06/21/2016 at 14:07

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The S3 content has been hitting the front page more and more. The titles are obscure so I tend to miss them. Just check out his other posts and enjoy.

Ash78, voting early and often > protodad 06/21/2016 at 14:09

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I've read dozens of them on Oppo, it just caught me off guard that this was a FP thing now.

protodad > Ash78, voting early and often 06/21/2016 at 14:11

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Agreed. Pretty sure I have seen at least 3-4 hit the FP in the last couple months.

Ross Kraz > damnthisburnershitsux 06/21/2016 at 14:47

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I thought the same thing when I read the headline and was really confused when it wasn’t that kind of burnout

Ross Kraz > Seat Safety Switch 06/21/2016 at 14:48

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Someday the aliens will find this and put it in a history book as fact

LongbowMkII > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 06/21/2016 at 14:51

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My six year olds ad libs are art? Cool.

LongbowMkII > Milky 06/21/2016 at 14:53

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Predictably weird. I don't like it.

EchoBrain > Seat Safety Switch 06/21/2016 at 16:00

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What.the.fuck? Hahahahahaha

EchoBrain > LongbowMkII 06/21/2016 at 16:02

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Lol

EchoBrain > Ross Kraz 06/21/2016 at 16:03

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We can only hope

Prophet of hoon > Tokyosmash! 06/21/2016 at 16:25

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I now remember where I saw that comment, it was by this guy

http://www.space.com/12482-moon-car…

and it was at the museum of flight at Boeing field in Seattle. He said something about the tire bit, but his comment was it was still serviceable - even with the duct-taped on fender.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > LongbowMkII 06/21/2016 at 16:43

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All kids are artists, until someone tells them they’re not!

Blondude > LongbowMkII 06/21/2016 at 17:39

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Well I do.

Patrick George > Ash78, voting early and often 06/22/2016 at 08:09

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I just really love his stuff so I share it when I see it. We’re big fans on the FP staff.

WaWaBlender > Seat Safety Switch 06/22/2016 at 09:26

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Walks into local bar “Tonight playing for your listening pleasure this is - Burnout Sanders and The Moon Machine”

Only question is what genre music would it be?